Just. A. Mum.

So I’ve been penning this post for a while now, but couldn’t officially post it until today. I apologise if any of the below offends anyone or is of a different opinion to yours, but that is just what it is, my opinion and feelings about this part of my life, written down in a cathartic sense but also as a memory for my boys so that they know that I did what I did, have done what I’ve done….for them, because, well…regardless of how it makes me feel it is entirely about giving them my best. 

So…..with great anxiety, it absolutely pains me to say that as of today, 1st of January, I am officially a stay at home mum. Dare I say …..unemployed. 

Didn’t see that coming….did u? Ambitious, driven, dedicated workaholic…has given it all up, to stay home with my boys. This was NEVER the plan. But then again neither was giving birth at 26 weeks to two poorly babies, spending 6 out of 8 months in hospital, not spending ANY of my maternity leave as it was intended and in the end sharing my life with two children who need caring for in a way that a grandparent, nursery or childminder just couldn’t……Rory for certain needs a 24 hour carer, that is more than parenting, it’s different, I am not going to let that be somebody else’s job. These boys have had a tough start to life and I know that nobody else can give them a better start than me from here on in……so that is how it is going to be from now. 

In some ways I feel guilty, that I failed them because I couldn’t cook them long enough, that if I could have, then they wouldn’t be so poorly and things would have been so different and so by giving up ‘me’ because let’s face it anybody that knows me knows that my career is pretty much what defines me…..maybe I am making up for failing them with the cooking bit. 

So….goodbye to the hard work, goodbye to the 70+ hour weeks, the hour long commute….oh and the salary. I’m under no illusion that staying home won’t be hard work, but it will be different. Lifestyle will be different as we will be surviving on Ashley’s  salary but luckily we live to our means and without a doubt our boys will have everything they need and more….let’s face it they need love, security, routine, interaction….much more than expensive things. I will just have to wait a bit longer for my Range Rover 🙈

I will most definitely return to work, my education and experience will always be part of me, but I will also be able to add a new range of skill set because this kind of life experience certainly teaches you things and gives you a whole new Perspective.  As soon as A&R are well enough I will return but until then………bring on motherhood. 

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