What do I stand for?

And just like that, the first half term of full time nursery is over.

Did we manage a full week? No!

Unfortunately due to a number of bugs, hospital appointments and ‘teething problems’ we haven’t yet managed a full week in nursery and I do wonder if this has hindered our ‘settling in’ because it has meant the weeks have been broken, even more so when splitting our time between two settings. We have considered whether full time nursery is too much for us, especially this time of year when we are all having to work harder just to get by, but you know….we survived!

If you would have spoken to me in July or August I would have told you how much I couldn’t wait for the boys to go to full time nursery, not just because I was desperate for ‘a break’ and some ‘me time’ but because the boys were desperate for something I couldn’t give them. If you ask me now, even though we are yet to have a full week – I miss them, I feel lost without them and I feel completely unsure of what my role is now. What do I stand for?

For the rest of my days am I just pottering around locally, working from home with my phone glued to my hand just in case I am called? I left the house only a handful of times and every single time, I have cut short my plans because there has been a problem at nursery. I think we managed 18 full days in the end out of a possible 40. I book appointments for myself based around how local to nursery Ash is working, just in case we are needed and I can’t get. I gave my phone to the beauty therapist during my massage, just in case it rang. I can’t rest.

I seem to spend my days at home, when I should have freedom to be anywhere and do anything in those 6 hours the boys are at school. I am still stuck in the house, I am still restricted to where I can go and what I can do, like I have been for the past 4 years. I still can’t spread my wings and be me again.

But who even am I anyway? Aside from Austin and Rory’s Mummy, Rory’s carer, Hardy Electrical Solutions’ right hand woman, the person who keeps our house immaculate and puts food on the table? I so desperately want to go out there and climb that ladder again, do work I am passionate about, organise, analyse, plan, reflect, educate.

Hopefully next half term will be smoother, and the boys will continue to settle down and I can plan for the new year.

The important thing is that Austin and Rory are gaining from their time in nursery, and they really are.

Austin has been unsettled on drop off, but I am assured by both settings that he soon settles after I have left, I can’t help but think this is because last year he had such a solid friendship circle who pounced on him as soon as he walks through the door, and he doesn’t have that this year. However, his speech has developed so much, he is a little chatterbox and he is a whirlwind in nursery. His new setting said he has settled in and is a very confident young man.

Rory happily delivers himself to both settings without a second glance back at us. He is very different at Pre-school to nursery. I’m not sure he has found his feet yet in the newest setting but he has a friendship circle at Pre-school now, he happily plays and takes turns. He too can be a whirlwind and is making lots of new sounds. He has started to participate in group time and will sit and listen to the story too.

Both boys really are heading in the right direction and regardless of which box they tick, ow how fast they are moving, as long as they are moving they will get there in the end.

As Dr Simon Clark once said in neonatal intensive care, all we need is ‘time and patience’


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