😭 Totes Emosh 😭

Another emotional meltdown tonight watching Corries prem birth / stillborn storyline with Kim Marsh. Both me and Ash sobbed as we remembered (Like we would ever forget) being told we were in premature labour, conversations about survival rates etc. Me feeling like it is completely my fault (still do) and nobody could begin to imagine how small the boys were at birth, not unless you have seen it.

Luckily we were in a specialist hospital with about 20 professionals around me, the boys were put straight on the ventilator within minutes. They saved our boys and grew them in an incubator until they were strong enough to survive. But we never expected it. Every day for 99 days we thought it was the last day. Being scared to bond with them, planning baby goodbyes, imagining tiny coffins in our head.  I’ve miscarried previously, more than once and so I knew what it was to loose a baby all too well, but I’d never been as far on as 26 weeks. Corries storyline was a 23 weeker and didn’t survive! We count our blessings every single day! 

So to pull me out of the emotional state tonight I decided to look back at the blog. Today’s Just A Mum blog would have been boring as we didn’t do anything exciting and so instead I decided to reminisce on the past 9 months (boys are 9 months today) with the top 9 most popular blogs over the past 9 months….and take a trip down memory lane!

So, Shockingly i have written 126 blogs so far, with 138,166 views across 60+ different countries with it being most popular in U.K., U.S, France, Australia, Spain, United Arab Emirates, Greece, Ireland, Isle of Man, South Africa and Italy. 

Taking it right back, the first post I ever wrote….

Hello World

Just to give some perspective, this is the nappy that we are wearing in the picture. It’s tiny isn’t it?

Those of you who have followed our journey will know that there were many days that we were hanging on, hour by hour and times when 24 hours time was crucial to know if the boys would be OK or not. We spent every minute as if it was our last. We still do. 

So, our top 9 blogs, with most views are…..countdown….

In at number 9…..

Our 11th Day
When the boys had their heart scans to check if the the valves were still leaking into the lungs. Scary times. 

In at number 8….

Camping in S1
After 99 days in hospital I could finally take my boys home and after less than 4 weeks both were back in, this time at the children’s hospital. Family camp out. Much of this blog is still very relevant. 

In at number 7….

These are the best days of our life….
Need I say any more. 

In at number 6….

The only way is up….
The hardest, lowest, most desperate time in my life, ever. No matter how hard things get, we will always be in a better place than here. 

In at number 5….

The worst kind of pain is….
I always knew that our battle would continue well after discharge from the neonatal unit, but nothing prepared me for the Trachy chapter. 

In at number 4…..

Surfs up!
I remember writing this and trying my best to make it fluffy. Truth is, we hid a lot of the dark stuff at first from family and friends but truth is it was horrific. 

In at number 3, the blog I was most excited to write…

Time served
I cannot tell you weird it felt taking them home after 99 days in hospital. It was the hottest day of the year. We had fans on everywhere and I was petrified because it was their first time out of the hospital and without having their temp observed hourly. 

In at number 2…. 

Life sucks. Literally!
Looking back I cannot believe we actually had to stay up and do 24 hour care between the two of us. 

And finally, the most popular, most read post of all is….

Road trip disaster!
The minute we relaxed, after years of IVF, a pregnancy battle with hyperemesis, shingles, bed rest and then 99 days in neonatal intensive care…..I blinked and it was slipping through my fingers. I remember driving away in the ambulance, blue lights, siren, a distraught Rory in my arms and just feeling torn. My rock, my absolute scaffold pole for a husband was left alone with Austin (for the first time) in a caravan, miles away from friends and family, and I was being driven miles away with Rory in the opposite direction to a place with no familiarity at all…fearful for the future and lonely as hell. 

It must be said though that it was at this point I knew we were strong. We always faced things together, but this time we were separate yet I knew whatever happened, we would be fine because ash would take care of it. I trusted him to look after Austin. I didn’t have to worry about anything, just Rory. 

We got through it like we got through everything else. 

In the grand scheme of things it seems that either most of my posts are bad news, or that you lot like to read bad news. Either  way thanks for reading my blog posts. Writing things down has really helped me to get through the tough times. Who would have thought hey….it was only meant to be an update for family and friends to save  endless texts and calls. I never imagined I’d become addicted, my kids would have a Facebook page before they were even meant to be born, or that my blogs would be read by thousands all over the world. It’s really is humbling, especially when I get messages to say that my blogs help people. 

So….I was an emotional wreck when I started writing this more than two hours ago, and I am now feeling positive, thankful, refreshed……and that my friends is why I blog! 

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