Driving to the hospital today I was thinking about the journey so far and the logics behind our strength as a couple and I remembered something an old boss (& now Good friend) once said to me when becoming a new mum herself….she said that when facing motherhood worries and guilt etc, you have to ask yourself, is it about you or is it about them, and if it is about you, get over it.
So when worrying about Austins CPAP hat causing his face to be swollen and misshaped, that is about me….he is fine, it isn’t painful and he needs that to breathe, the problem lies with me not liking how it looks….and so I need to get over it.
When feeling sad about the boys having tubes all over them and being pricked and poked….that too is about me. The boys don’t know any different, they were covered in pipes and apparatus within the first few minutes of life and don’t know any different, it is normal to them and so feeling sad comes from me not liking it, imagining how I would feel covered in pipes and lines and being pricked and poked, the problem is with me….and I need to get over it.
When Austin was transferred to intensive care, I was gutted. Mainly because it was a step back. He was fine, just needed more breathing support because he was tired but he wasn’t uncomfortable or in pain. The worry came from my impatience and want for him to breathe on his own so that I can bring him home. Again that is about me.
I could go on, but most worries, fears, guilt are about me, not Austin and Rory and so I just have to bury it. If it is about them then that’s different but I reckon that this is one of the five logics keeping me going.
The second one is something I learnt very quickly on our journey to becoming parents, you cannot control everything. You have to ride the wave. Being an obsessive planner who likes to be in control….infertility and IVF taught me a lot. I learnt that you have to play with the hand you are dealt (3rd logic) because you have no choice, you cannot control or change it. Again something I have learnt from many close friends who have been dealt rubbish hands in the last couple of years.
I also learnt that there is always someone fighting a bigger battle than yours (4th logic) and so be grateful for what you have and the 5th and final one is something my dad has said to me at least once a week throughout my entire life….never give in!
So Holding those 5 things close….I think we will handle whatever this journey throws at us. Afterall…we have no choice. Having a meltdown will not change the situation will it! Although it is tempting to kick and scream and see if the nurses let me take them home!
So today was very settled (both up and down on oxygen, couple of desats) and so they were allowed out for cuddles…
As I went in to Austins incubator to say hello, he grabbed my finger 😍
They were allowed a hug together. Only the 3rd time since they were born 5 weeks ago…I dressed them….sounds ridiculous but it’s only the second time I’ve actually dressed them. It was lovely to touch and handle them other than just having them put in my arms or the once daily nappy change.